It has been a while since I have updated this page…

You know that thing? That nagging little itch on your back that you can’t quite reach? That deep breath you really want to take, but can’t? That stretch you lean back in your chair to take, but someone comes over and pokes your stomach? What’s that thing called again?

Oh right, that thing is called life.

And Lord has life hit me these past months. Christmas and New Years came and went with laughter, mirth, and all the wonders the holidays bring. I feel relaxed, refreshed, and reinvigorated to take on the new year.

Then my wife wakes me up at 10:30 on January 11th and whispers, “It’s time…

“…the baby is coming…”

And before I know it I’m running out the door with suitcases and bags and a wife going into labor. I’m driving on the freeway in a snowstorm with the roads icing over, my wife breathing and panting, and all I want to do is go back to sleep and pretend like this was all a dream. I am now high strung, drained, and wanting to climb into a hole and hide because I am afraid. Life just hit, ground eff-ing zero, and I wasn’t ready.

Hell, I’d never held a baby before! And suddenly I’m expected to raise one to be a healthy, functioning member of society?? How does that work? How do I do that? I know how to interact and converse with others, but how do I teach it? How do I raise a logical, level headed human in an illogical, emotional world? How do I teach a child morals and values? What happens when they start to date? How do you change a diaper? How do you feed an infant? Will I make enough to provide an adequate lifestyle for my family? Dear God, now I have another mouth to feed! Who will watch my baby when I go to work? How do I ensure my child doesn’t grow up to become a Nazi bastard??

The anxiety and fear, the anxiety and unawareness of being a father, the anxiety and “Jesus, will I still be a good husband for my wife”…

And then I hold my daughter for the first time. Before anyone else, right after the doctor cleans her up and wipes her down. The nurse hands me a blanket and then a small, wiggle of pink skin. But then I see her eyes, and her nose, her ears and her little head of black hair. I count her fingers and her toes and I kiss her forehead for the first of many times. I take my wife’s hand, and I suddenly realize…

I’m not ready. I don’t know how you can be ready for something like your child being born.

But I’m not anxious. I’m not afraid. And I will still be a good husband. Because I love my wife, and I love my baby.

And I love my life.